It's often said that people reach a very, very low point at least once in their life. Well, I think I did mine. Between this post and my last, a lot of things happened. I had some of the worst experiences: I was denied what I deserved, simply because i was not better that what i am. With result, i had days filled with head ache and chronic depression while nights were sleepless. For about two weeks, i had know idea what I was going to do. Life had come to a standstill and I was in no mood for vacation.
For those two weeks, I had no idea what college i was going to join. Will I get a real good one like BITS? Will I get something reasonably good? Or will I be in a state where I get an obscure college with an unpronounceable name situated in a place that doesn't have a pin code? I didn't know. Or worse...will I have to repeat one more year to make up for my misgivings...and lose a year of my life in nothing but redoing what I didn't do very well?
I looked around. All along I had been thinking that people around me were doing more or less what I was. But the extent of 'more or less' had been large enough to put me in a grey-area where i was absolutely alone. Everyone was ahead, in some way or the other. Or at least they were CLEAR about what they were going to do. I wasn't. Either people had modestly decided to repeat their twelfth grade and prepare exclusively for the deadly entrance examinations...others had somehow managed to get their colleges. I on the other hand wasn't sure about any of those, and worse, wasn't able to think in that direction at all. There were a few final fibres to hold on to, a few colleges who hadn't released their results...but what if they snapped too? I had no back-up plan.
Thinking back on what I did in the past two years, I've realized that i made one big mistake: I had put too many restriction on myself to push my performance up. But my net efficiency was still down. For instance, if I saved four hours by restrictions, I used only two and a half of them. The remaining, just went as i dragged the work that I could have taken lesser time to do, or had better sense to give up and start over with something achievable. I took this weird path of lethargic perseverence. I paid.
After weeks of the turmoil, I finally have a seat at hand, from an institute called Sastra University. It's not something you could call great...but I'm more than just glad to have it. Right now, I'm ready to go for it...although I'm yet to receive any communication from another college called VIT. But that's not the point. The point is...even though i was going to get my seat in a college, I got it after all this trouble maybe because I was supposed to see something in meantime. Something which is perhaps inside me. Have I? I do not know.
Nevertheless, I'm certain that these two weeks worth of experience has changed me. I'm no longer the same guy. How have I changed? I do now know. But to keep it simple, I can (and will) promise myself, right here and now, that the mistakes I've done will never be repeated.
It's a fact of life, one might say. But it's not all that easy i suppose. Not repeating a mistake is perhaps just as difficult as not committing it in the first place. But who says we've an option?
Until I blog again,
"If you try the best you can,
If you try the best you can,
The best you can is good enough" -- Radiohead